The funk of forty thousand years

thriller2

I went to see Thriller Live last week. I wouldn’t have sought it out of my own accord and I didn’t really know what to expect, but I was prepared for something quite weird. And it was quite weird, but in a cheerier and more innocent way than I was expecting. There’s no story; it’s just two and a bit hours of some singers, dancers and musicians performing the biggest hits of Michael Jackson’s career, in chronological order (which, incidentally, makes it fairly easy to work out which ones they’re saving for the encore).

The early songs, performed by a Jackson Five with the worst afro wigs I have ever seen, feature a very sweet little boy with the voice of an angel playing the youthful Michael, but from Off The Wall onwards the lead vocal role is shared between four singers: a guy who sounds exactly like Michael Jackson, a guy who looks exactly like he’s from the 1980s, a woman who is obviously the one they go to when a song is too hard for any of the others, and a guy who sounds more like Michael Jackson than the last two, but makes up for it by being skinny and white. They are backed up by a troupe of dancers, who are kind of amazing, and by a live band who are for the most part hidden, except when one of them is allowed on to the stage to perform a particularly tricky solo, like the guitar line in Dirty Diana.

Everyone is really, really good, and there are some nice costumes, especially in the songs from Bad where everybody gets to pretend it really is the 1980s. But the main thing I took away from it was an overwhelming sense of uncomplicated Eurovisionesque joy. Everybody in it is so happy, all the time! Sensibly, the narrative voiceover which introduces the show and describes the Jacksons’ rise to fame is ditched early on, so that we don’t have to hear any of the less wholesome details of Michael’s life as a solo artist. And even more sensibly, the post-Bad hits are limited to Earth Song and Heal the World. The rendition of the former almost tips over into being unbearably twee, with the performers dressed all in white under a giant projected globe, but they rescue it just in time by bringing back the small boy from the beginning of the show to sing Heal the World.  And it’s just lovely.

Michael Jackson is undeniably a strange and disturbing person, but the songs are as good as they ever were. If you liked them then, I think you should go along. If you tell me when you’re going I might even come with you, but don’t tell anyone I said so.

(Edit: it belatedly occurs to me that describing someone as “skinny and white” is no guarantee that he doesn’t look like Michael Jackson. But he doesn’t – see?)

Fun in the sun

One of the many benefits of good weather is that there’s lots of free entertainment to be had simply by going outside and observing people. Watching a group of six-year-olds playing with a ball is lots of fun; add a two-year-old who’s unsteady on his feet and it becomes something I could enjoy all afternoon. There is something utterly charming about children who have only just learned to walk running around in the sunshine. Coming back from the shops just now I almost tripped over a child whose head accounted for a third of his overall height. Presumably being built along those lines, however temporarily, gives you a very high centre of gravity, which would explain why his unfocused charging around the park seemed to be largely governed by the direction his head fell in with each unguided lurch. It was almost as much fun as watching children dancing at a wedding, which is one of the straightforwardly funniest things there is.

Fiction

You can do more and more interesting things with creative writing online than you can in any other medium. Check here and here to see why I’m right.

I am still writing a terrifically witty story based on the marriage of Leo Tolstoy, which has been in my head since 1991 and in draft form since 2005. I’ll let you know just as soon as it’s finished.

Links for Easter Sunday

These aren’t Easter-related at all, they’re just topical articles which are worth reading. Two stories approaching the same issue from different angles, and an article by David Mitchell which I would like to stand up and applaud:

Why London is no place for a young black man

What is the right way to raise children? (Ignore the clumsy initial attempt to make this a battle between two approaches; as the article eventually acknowledges, there is a place for both)

I’ll tell you what really offends me: political opportunism

Spring reading

A very quick roundup of books I’ve read in the last few weeks, otherwise this will turn into an actual essay, and I don’t have time for that (I’ve all kind of things to do on my “things to do” list, and it’s already nearly Monday).

I thought I was really enjoying The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay at the time, but a few weeks later I can barely remember anything about it. If you like long, twisty intelligent stories about magicians, I recommend The Deptford Trilogy instead – though there’s nothing actually wrong with K&C. I still think Michael Chabon is very good and will seek out more by him.

I picked up The Diary of a Nobody in Dublin before Christmas, but only got around to it last month. I had seen some snippets of a TV adaptation which I enjoyed very much, but since the TV adaptation actually consisted in somebody dressed as Edward Pooter sitting in a chair and reading from his diary, the style and format didn’t come as a surprise. It’s fairly slight, and again, I could recommend a superior but similar alternative, but it was an enjoyable enough way of passing a day or two.

I’m still sort of halfway through The Singapore Grip, which I bought after enjoying Troubles so much. It has flashes of the wit and subtlety that had me enchanted in Troubles, but in between there’s a lot of dense, fact-heavy prose which makes me feel as though I’m swimming through treacle. I still have high hopes for The Siege of Krishnapur.

I waited months after spotting it on the shelves before I succumbed and bought a – new! – copy of The Suspicions of Mr Whicher. I’d read a description and it sounded just my kind of thing: the story of nineteenth century country house murder told from the point of view of the investigating detective. It had had lots of good reviews, and I was very well-disposed towards it when I started out. Accordingly, I allowed it a certain amount of latitude before I started to become irritated by it, but I had still reached that point within a few pages. It’s as much my fault for having overly high expectations as it is anyone else’s, but this is essentially a true crime story written by a hack. The reasoning is poor, there are frequent and baffling non sequiturs and the writing itself has no elegance or elequence, and it turns out murder mysteries need a bit of both to work. Unrecommended.

Two books whose target readership is significantly younger than me – Two Friends, One Summer and Rain – had me walking between tube station and office with my nose buried in them, in the way that only good children’s books and a certain type of thriller can achieve. I shan’t give them detailed critiques because I know the author a bit so it would be weird, but I will certainly be  recommending them to acquaintances of the appropriate age.

Talking of thrillers, I justified buying Mr Whicher by taking up Waterstones’ “buy one, get one half price” offer, and the second book was one which I’d never heard of, but whose cover blurb made it sound fun. The Brutal Art looks and mainly reads like a run-of-the mill gorefest, but it’s also really very well written and thoughtful, behind the shiny cover. If you’re looking for an intelligent but undemanding crime caper it’s one to stick on the list.

I dutifully finished The Road, but I didn’t start enjoying it any more than I did to begin with. I like books where things happen, I think. Things happen in Rumpole and the Penge Bungalow Murders, which represented my first foray into the work of John Mortimer. I often only think of starting to read someone’s books after they’ve died, which makes me exactly the demographic authors don’t want. Anyway, I liked it a lot and shall be reading more. Like The Diary of a Nobody it doesn’t stay with you for very long beyond the reading of it, but it’s perfectly absorbing for the duration, and I don’t ask more than that.

Right now I’m in the middle of reading another book by Jesse Kellerman, author of The Brutal Art, and once that’s finished I’m changing slant completely and moving on to Hardcore From the Heart: The Pleasures, Profits and Politics of Sex in Performance, in preparation for a book group I’m going to later this month. It’s a long time since I read anything beyond a newspaper article or blog post which had an actual argument to make, so I’m quite excited.

(Forgive the slow typing, by the way: I have painted my nails and I don’t want to smear them.)

Friday stuff

I am working up to another mammoth books post, whenever I find time to write it. I’ve been too busy writing other people’s profiles on My Single Friend (and I don’t know why I’m linking to them really, because their system is SHODDY, but the front end is quite good and it’s fun writing about other people).

In the meantime, here are some links to enliven your Friday afternoon:

  • Russel Brand on Jade Goody is the first really personal and thoughtful thing I’ve read about the whole affair
  • In lieu of my increasingly forlorn attempts to look for a new job, ten ways to make your boss love you
  • A really tasty chicken stew with a summery twist which I made yesterday.  I found it by googling “chicken radish”, those being two of the three things I had an abundance of in my fridge. As luck would have it, the third thing I had an abundance of was cucumber, and this recipe calls for that, too.

(An underexplored measure of adulthood is one’s ability to use up salad vegetables before they go old. This is the first time I have ever finished a whole cucumber.  I made cucumber sandwiches on Sunday, a salad on Monday and a stew on Thursday. I’m so grown-up I’m practically dead.)

Sunglasses

I bought my first sunglasses of the spring earlier, at the end of a lunch hour spent scrunching my face up against the brightness of the day. I was looking for a geekish pair to go with the actual anorak I am wearing (not this instant, as I sit in my office typing, but as part of today’s outfit), but I work in a district with a limited supply of shops selling anything anyone would actually want to buy, and the only sunglasses on offer were the enormous kind preferred by Victoria Beckham, Cheryl Cole and other people I don’t want to look like.  (Well, OK, I would be happy to look like Cheryl Cole, I’m not crazy. But I don’t want to dress like her.)

My eventual compromise solution was some fairly enormous sunglasses, but with thick white plastic rims which stop them from looking like something impossibly glamorous that should be teamed with skinny jeans and an enormous bag, since given the choice I would always go for flared jeans and a tiny bag.

These are they:

glasses

When I came back into the office I stuck them on my head, and had an immediate rush of summery feeling. It was brilliant.

Small things which have mildly annoyed me today

1. The use of the phrase “From whence…” in The Suspicions of Mr Whicher. From where, or whence. Not an illiterate combination of the two. It irritates me when highly-praised books have small and obvious errors in them (though so far I’m afraid I’m also failing to see why this one has had any praise at all. It’s all very well having a fantastic story to tell, but – call me old-fashioned – I still think that for it to be a success you also need to be able to write).

2. A mockup of a web page in which the designer had used the following sample text:

Lorem ipsum lorem ipsum lorem ipsum lorem ipsum lorem ipsum lorem ipsum lorem ipsum lorem ipsum lorem ipsum lorem ipsum lorem ipsum lorem ipsum lorem ipsum lorem ipsum lorem ipsum lorem ipsum

Lorem ipsum is a nonsense language which you use when you’re designing web (or printed) pages so that you can see how they will look with text in them. The WHOLE POINT is that it replicates the effect of actual words, because it contains strings of different lengths. Google it and you’ll find it’s freely and abundantly available on the internet. It looks like this:

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Nam pretium magna at odio. Praesent velit. Fusce accumsan turpis. Mauris orci turpis, fringilla vitae, blandit nec, tempus sed, nisi. Sed vitae ligula.

In the example above all the designer has done is demonstrate that he has no idea what he’s doing. I admit that this might annoy me less if he were someone whom I thought had any idea what he was doing the rest of the time.

One day, when I am in charge of the internet and all book publishing, everything will work better. In the meantime I will stoically continue to correct errors of omission, oversight and stupidity, free of charge. You’re welcome.

Funny

Last night I went to watch an episode of Would I Lie To You? being recorded at Pinewood studios. Rob Bryden had mentioned it on Twitter, and it was free, and Reginald D. Hunter who I think might be my favourite living comedian* was appearing, and a friend is the executive producer and writes some of the jokes, and these all seemed like good reasons for going. Also, I didn’t realise beforehand how far away Pinewood studios is. It’s in Buckinghamshire! We were driven there from the station at a bracing speed by a taxi driver who appeared to be under the impression that it was a race, even though we were the only car on the road.

Anyway, it was lots of fun. The other guests were Ken Livingstone, Fern Britton (who I had to google so as not to mix her up with that awful teenager who presents music shows) and Stephen Mangan, all of whom were good value for money. Fern and Ken, especially, since they are not paid to be funny and I wasn’t certain they would be. Fern was also an exceptionally good liar.

Rob Bryden presented, and was as likeable as ever, even when he was having to get people to repeat lines for the sake of the recording. And team captain number one was David Mitchell, whom I used to dislike because he has the cold dead eyes of a shark, and because I didn’t think he was handsome enough for TV, but whom I subsequently met at the aformentioned friend’s house, and he was so lovely that I stopped being offended by his looks (I admit, this isn’t the most flattering change of heart, and I still hope he doesn’t read this) and decided he was very nice indeed.  And last night he was very quick, and very funny, and very generous about giving other people the chance to shine, and keeping quiet when they were making a good joke at his expense.

All of which was in marked contrast with the other team captain, Lee Mack. I really don’t know what he was doing there, and I don’t wish to sound like a snob, but in a studio full of smart, witty and broadly right-thinking (by which, naturally, I mean left-leaning) people, he just seemed completely out of place. His end-of-the-pier, slightly racist, slightly sexist, slightly homophobic brand of humour was utterly at odds with the tone of the show, and putting Ken Livingstone and Reginald D. Hunter on his team only emphasised that.  Sadly, the audience didn’t agree with me and laughed heartily at his most boorish jokes. Which was a shame.

And talking of funny, I’d like to apologise to anyone who watched Comic Relief on Friday night on the basis of my enthusiastic endorsement. Barely a laugh was raised. I can’t remember when they stopped letting comedians present Comic Relief, but it’s a poorer thing for it.

*I can’t immediately think of a dead comedian I prefer, but I wanted to qualify it somehow so as not to sound too ebullient.