Last summer, I was looking for wedding shoes and I found these green, cherry-tipped plastic heels by Vivienne Westwood. They were a hundred and something pounds, and I couldn’t imagine them as wedding shoes, even when I squinted, so I didn’t buy them, but I did put them to the back of my mind as something I might buy one day, when I had more money.

I don’t have more money, but it has just been payday, so I had a look on the internet and discovered, to my distress, that there are NO Vivienne Westwood green cherry-tipped plastic heels left anywhere in the world! Or at least, there’s one pair, but it’s a UK size 4 and I wear a UK size 7 (you know what they say about women with big feet? No, me neither), and I want a pair I can wear, not a pair I can only look at.

(I haven’t even mentioned the best thing about them, which is that they are bubblegum scented, just like Strawberry Shortcake dolls used to be. You honestly couldn’t design a more perfect shoe for me, unless you stuffed the toe with pizza.)

So I am putting a plea out there on the internet, folks, for a pair of them in a size 7. If you find them, please point me at them. I will make you cakes and write lovely things about you in return.