Last summer, I was looking for wedding shoes and I found these green, cherry-tipped plastic heels by Vivienne Westwood. They were a hundred and something pounds, and I couldn’t imagine them as wedding shoes, even when I squinted, so I didn’t buy them, but I did put them to the back of my mind as something I might buy one day, when I had more money.

I don’t have more money, but it has just been payday, so I had a look on the internet and discovered, to my distress, that there are NO Vivienne Westwood green cherry-tipped plastic heels left anywhere in the world! Or at least, there’s one pair, but it’s a UK size 4 and I wear a UK size 7 (you know what they say about women with big feet? No, me neither), and I want a pair I can wear, not a pair I can only look at.

(I haven’t even mentioned the best thing about them, which is that they are bubblegum scented, just like Strawberry Shortcake dolls used to be. You honestly couldn’t design a more perfect shoe for me, unless you stuffed the toe with pizza.)

So I am putting a plea out there on the internet, folks, for a pair of them in a size 7. If you find them, please point me at them. I will make you cakes and write lovely things about you in return.

So I bought some trousers. I’ve just remembered that the other reason was because last weekend I bought this top in the Dust sale:

(It looks really drab on the internet, doesn’t it? It’s nicer in real life)

And I thought I needed some trousers to go with it. Trousers or a pencil skirt, but I am even less a pencil skirt wearer than I am a trouser wearer.

So trousers it was. I bought a brownish pair, which goes with the top and anything vaguely warm-toned, and a greyish pair, which I am wearing today with a pale grey polo-neck vest and a grey striped sleeveless shirt. I am a vision of colourlessness.

Anyway, I like the trousers. They are flattering and comfortable and they broaden my work wardrobe by a much higher factor than the simple addition of two new items of clothing. HOWEVER, who designed the fastenings on smart trousers? Both pairs have

• A button
• Three hook fastenings
• A zip
• A belt

Are work trousers more inclined than most to fall down inopportunely? Or is it just that it’s more embarrassing if your trousers fall down at work than if it happens elsewhere, when you would just laugh it off? I cannot imagine circumstances in which a zip and a belt, or some buttons and a belt, wouldn’t have sufficed.

That aside, I am enjoying my new status as a trouser-wearer. But I still don’t know why anyone would wear them for fun.

But it was the promise of Paul McCartney which had me eagerly pressing the “refresh” button on my browser the morning tickets went on sale. I tried to get tickets to see him at the Dome back in December, but the good seats were insanely expensive and anyway, it sold out before I could buy any. Day tickets to Hard Rock Calling are £60 and you get to sit anywhere you like and see lots of other acts, so this was a much better choice.

Well, it was great and the photos are here, but in the long minutes between acts I found myself fascinated by what people choose to wear when it’s hot and they’re going to be outside all day, because if you live in or near London (or any British city), neither of those things is very often true. It’s hot today, but I am spending eight hours of it inside an air-conditioned office, so I am wearing a dress with sleeves. On Sunday, we were all exposed to bright sun and 30C temperatures for about the same amount of time. In those circumstances, deciding what to wear can be quite tricky. So I inspected the choices of some of my fellow revellers, and have come up with some guidelines, which I now present to you for free, with nothing in mind but your welfare and happiness:

1. As in so many areas of life, I agree with Baz Luhrmann. Rule number one is wear sunscreen.

2. With no shade and barely a cloud in the sky, hats are the order of the day:

3. Be careful with straps. Straps are good, but ill-fitting or competing straps are bad. However, if you have no choice but to show off your bra straps, do it with chutzpah, so it looks like you meant it:

4. It’s better to wear too many clothes than too few. You recover faster from being hot than you do from being burnt (I have tried both, so I can say this with certainty). And if you wear light, loose clothes you probably won’t be much hotter than you would have been in a bikini. I liked this outfit very much:

5. Do not, under any circumstances, wear a bikini. Bikinis are strictly for the beach.

I should come clean at this point and tell you that I was wearing a jumpsuit.

In many ways they are ideal hot-weather outdoor wear: they are durable, you can sit cross-legged without risking your modesty, and they keep all the ungainly bits covered while allowing arms and legs unfettered access to the air. However, they can be tricky to go to the toilet in. I think the answer to this is to wear a baggy-ish one with no complicated fastenings, and to stay on the fuzzy side of sober. You’ll be pleased to know that I more or less managed both.

However, based on extensive research I have decided that the IDEAL festival-going hot-weather outfit is a strapless top, elasticated shorts, a hat, sunglasses, sunscreen and a wrap which you can sit on when your legs get tired and put around your shoulders after the sun goes down.

Shoes are more problematic: you need something sturdy and comfortable which you won’t get sweaty in. I wore Crocs, but I am the only person I know who looks good in Crocs, and the only reason I think I look good in them is that I never on any account look at them once they’re on. I just revel in the squish of the tread and the swish of the air as it cools my toes. The real answer is probably flip-flops on soft grass and light plimsolls on rough grass. But I will leave that to your discretion.

Sorry for only talking about girls’ clothes. I have no advice for boys, although the hat and sunscreen rules are unisex. If you are a boy, I suggest you dress like this:

I have left the most important rule, not including the sunscreen one, until last. The most important rule, not including the sunscreen one, is:

6. Wear whatever you like. It’s a festival! Go wild.

I will let you know next week whether it’s possible to walk in them.

As I got closer, I saw a flash of metal, as of a badge, and realised she was a policewoman. “How funny”, I thought, “that it’s possible to make a police uniform look so chic, just by wearing it well.”

Then I got even closer, and realised that (a) it wasn’t a police uniform, it was a school uniform, and (b) she was about fourteen. Don’t tell anyone, I’m a bit embarrassed.

Secondly, I get bored with bags quite quickly, so there’s no point spending much money on them because they tend to get charity-shopped within six to twelve months.

Thirdly, I have very specific requirements. I need to keep my phone and travelcard in an external pocket which is both easily accessible and safe from passing muggers. I need a separate compartment for my keys, BBC staff pass, mints and sunglasses (summer) or gloves (winter). I need another compartment big enough for the make-up I cart around and don’t use. I need to be able to store – at minimum – a book, a bottle of water, a shopping bag, an umbrella, my purse and a plastic folder containing various bits of paper relating to Things I Need To Do. And I need two sets of straps, short and long, so that I can choose whether to hang the bag over one shoulder (easier), around my torso and over the other shoulder (safer) or both (both). Oh, and a separate pocket for my iPod, because the case is encrusted with crystals and if I store it next to anything else the crystals fall off.

So I was delighted yesterday when I found this bag in Dorothy Perkins, which fulfilled every single one of those requirements, and wasn’t horrible, and was a colour (black, if you can’t be bothered to check) which would go with everything else I own.

I duly took it up to the counter, but as the sales assistant was removing the stuffing (is it called that?) I noticed the main zip sticking. “Oh”, I said, “that zip looks a bit sticky, do you mind if I just check to see whether they’re all like that?”. She rolled her eyes and shrugged, which I took as a “no, please go ahead”.

Well, they were all like that, but I decided it didn’t matter enough to make me not buy the bag, so I went back to the counter, where the sales assistant was now serving someone else. She saw me and asked her colleague to serve me. The colleague  said “No, I’m going upstairs”, looked at me and said “you’ll have to wait your turn.”

SIGH, I thought. And then I thought: you know, the bag’s not that nice, and I could buy one from a shop with polite salespeople. “Actually”, I said, airily. “I think I’ll leave it, thanks.”

And then I went home and ordered it from their website, for £5 extra. I know I don’t sound it, but I feel like the winner.

and these

and these

As astute eyes like yours will have noticed, they are all the same. I bought the black ones first, and they were SO comfortable and SO pretty that I found myself thinking about the other colours and wondering whether they’d be a good investment. And after a couple of days I remembered something that an ex-boss at the Guardian once told me when I couldn’t decide whether to buy a lambswool Elvis Presley scarf for £45, which was that the amount of emotional energy I was expending worrying about whether to buy it would soon outweigh the financial cost of just doing it. So I did.

My eventual compromise solution was some fairly enormous sunglasses, but with thick white plastic rims which stop them from looking like something impossibly glamorous that should be teamed with skinny jeans and an enormous bag, since given the choice I would always go for flared jeans and a tiny bag.

These are they:

When I came back into the office I stuck them on my head, and had an immediate rush of summery feeling. It was brilliant.

(There isn’t a gladallover hall of fame, but there might be one day, and he’ll be in it.)

So instead here are the boots I also bought, which are just as useful but less pretty:

Technically, I suppose, it’s only one boot.  But you can infer the other.